Don’t Vote

Statists assume that only absolute government can solve complex socio-economic problems. This stems from their fundamental presumption that their fellow citizens are unable to follow the golden rule and respect each others property rights. Needless to say, this sets the stage for unrelenting balkanized conflict between various factional special interests who are vying for total power.



The author postulates that since power, freedom, and responsibility form the trifecta of American politics, then playing the game of “Kill, Fuck, Marry” would be the logical application of such a trifecta. For instance, with regards to US presidential candidates and federal government agencies, O’Rourke thinks:


“We kill Ross Perot. We could hardly avoid a fuck from Bill Clinton. And we marry kindly, old, George H. W. Bush….[w]e kill the postal service, fuck the Department of Health and Human Services, and marry the armed forces. The same goes with government policies: fuck agricultural subsidies, marry Social Security, and health care reform kills us.”


I was also pleased to see that Mr. O’Rourke decided to explicitly tackle the conspiracists and the Carousel of Carnivores. Before he formed a more complete political theory based on “Kill, Fuck, Marry,” he briefly explained:


“But first, to clear the ideological air, let’s confess that there are no conspiracies that rule the world. There’s no universe-mastering cabal of capitalists, communists, Islamic fundamentalists, International Monetary Fund executives, Federal Reserve Bank governors, New World Order functionaries with their UN black helicopters, Trilateral Commission initiates, Freemasons, Bavarian Illuminati, Rosicrucians, Knights Templar, Mafia families, Chinese triads, Mexican drug gangs, Jesuits, or Google. And no, no, no, no, it’s not the Jews. They’d do a better job.”


He pretty much mentioned the usual suspects who typically make it onto the “who is behind everything” list, absent the extraterrestrial reptilians, of course.

I particularly enjoyed his application of using gun control rhetoric against voting. He says:


“Of course, no one wants to ban votes. Votes should remain available for sporting and recreational purposes. But certain types of voting need to be prohibited. ‘Assault votes,’ for example, where the only purpose of the vote is to inflict harm on others. One thinks of the angry, impulsive voters of California’s eighth congressional district senselessly returning Nancy Pelosi to the House of Representatives.”


Similar to this was his story of how he initially tried to pay for his daughter Muffin’s birthing expenses. When the two most important women in his life were ready to be discharged, the receptionist insisted that he complete all the insurance forms. When O’Rourke asked whether they’d prefer credit or checks, she appeared “dumbfounded.” Upon him offering to go to the bank and returning with cash, the receptionist told him she needed to get her supervisor, who was also equally “dumbfounded.” O’Rourke concludes this was because it is likely that this was the very first time that anyone actually tried to pay his own medical bills.

P.J. O’Rourke’s Don’t Vote: It Just Encourages the Bastards ends with a possible remedy for Big Government. If the US Congress could just focus on combating piracy and nothing else, then they’d be so busy doing that, they’d leave the rest of us alone. Alternatively, they could become pirates themselves, but I think this is pretty much redundant. Besides being worth a chuckle, I can’t help but wonder if such an ambitious project couldn’t actually work?

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